What’s it like having an eating disorder?

ana-liliana:

Have you ever worn clothes that didn’t feel comfortable? Itchy sweaters, pants that have buttons digging into your sides, shoes that make blisters on your feet each time you walk?
Have you ever felt extremely embarrassed to wear it out in public? Like maybe your mom made you wear that ugly sweater to the Christmas party, or maybe your bra is showing through a thin shirt, so you just can’t WAIT to get home and take it all off and be comfortable once again.
Can you imagine what it’s like feeling that self conscious and for the times you’re wearing that, you obsess over whether people are noticing it or not? You get paranoid that someone will notice that stain in the center of your shirt, the sweat stains in your pits, or your pants don’t fit right and keep pulling down each time you sit and stand up?
Don’t You just look forward to that moment when you’re all alone in your bedroom and you can rip off that sweater and itch or take off those shoes or change into something you feel nice and comfortable in?

Imagine feeling like this 100% of the time.
24/7. It doesn’t matter what you wear, where you go, what the clothes look like or feel like against your skin. So then that moment when you can literally crawl out of the discomfort and snuggle into some fuzzy slippers or maybe sexier clothes and feel better, just never comes.
Imagine feeling so helpless and lost in your own body, so or of control. And The one thing that could be to blame is also what you need to survive. Food.

You feel out of control first when you don’t look the way you want to. So, like any addiction, you start off blaming certain things and only trying out some certain behaviors and you could never imagine that one day you’ll be making up your own creative ways to get the bolus out of the feeding tube in your nose and that 10 laxatives in one day doesn’t do nearly as much for you as one in a day used to. Not eating and still not feeling better makes you feel even even even more out of control. So where do you go from here when you can’t crawl out of your own skin and your own mind?
Just find something you CAN control while you are able to. Like what goes in your body.