To The Bone

catalytic-catastrophe:

I’m sure a lot of you have heard of this movie – it’s a netflix original about a young woman struggling with anorexia, but I won’t go into a synopsis about it because you can look it up for yourself if you haven’t.

I had heard mixed things about the movie before I watched it, but I knew I wanted to watch it.  I watched it this afternoon by myself because I couldn’t go to work with my foot today.

10 minutes in and I was already crying.

I have to preface this also by saying, it was a fantastic movie.  It was wonderfully done, in my opinion.  It was created by a group of people who have struggled with eating disorders themselves; the main actress has a past with anorexia, and decided to and WANTED to do the movie to shed light on the subject.

And that is exactly what the movie did.

I’ve heard people say shit like “the movie glamorizes eating disorders and anorexia” as a critique of the film, but as somebody who struggled with anorexia and exercise obsession for her entire adolescence, I have to disagree.

This movie did what so many have NOT done in the past and it was a wonderful combination of dry, dark humour as well as of sadness and situations that resonated with me.  It showed the rawest reality of eating disorders – at least, of anorexia.  It showed parents concerned for their children and getting to the end of their rope not knowing what to do.  It showed siblings who were angry because they didn’t understand what was going on or why it wouldn’t stop.  It showed individuals struggling with their eating disorders and not knowing how to stop and not understanding why it was happening to them.  It showed the obsession with perfection that was a function of some deeper trauma – not just a function of wanting to be thin.

What it did NOT do, was glamorize eating disorders.

I would recommend this movie to anybody not actively struggling with an eating disorder and their mental health.  For somebody who was never struggled with an eating disorder, it is honestly eye-opening in a way that doesn’t just spew facts at you about the disorders.  And for people who have struggled with eating disorders, at least for myself, it is a pain staking reminder to never go back to that place.

I found myself tearing up for most of the movie and during several scenes, full on fucking crying, because I looked at things that were happening and I saw myself in them – I saw that frail little girl that I was for so many years, going through the motions and obsessions that I had become acquainted with; rituals that I had to complete for myself, for no particular reason. I saw the concern and the anger from Ellen’s family and thought, how did I not see that in my own?

I saw all of this and I cried for the girl that I used to be; I cried so fucking much.

and I cried at the end of it all because I’m never fucking going back there.