The signs as weird shit my friends have said to me:

Aries: “The towel is my lover. No, fuck you, I’m not washing it.”

Taurus: “You kissed like…right on the fleshy part of her lip.”

Gemini: “I’m a colored pencil hoe.”

Cancer: “I’m naming my child Mesopotamia.”

Leo: “My eyeliner is sharper than your stupid knives.”

Virgo: “Okay but…what if Darth Vader was a furry?”

Libra: “God damn, you’re throwing some shade on Facebook at Tr- that’s me. You’re throwing shade at me.”

Scorpio: “You’re the sluttiest virgin I’ve ever met.”

Saggitarius: “Don’t think that just because I have a dick I can’t do a split like the best paid stripper in town.”

Capricorn: “Maybe if you’d stop being a goddamn, weakass bitch about it, you’d be able to hold his fucking hand. But no, youre a little wimp.”

Aquarius: “I wish I looked like a lotus flower. Then I’d be like…petaly.”

Pisces: “I named the little piece of hair that sticks up on my head Jennifer.”